Fear & Failure

I am terrified of bugs. I’m cool with lightening bugs, those little roly-polys, and caterpillars. That’s about it. When I moved to Kansas for the summer, I didn’t realize that there would be SO MANY CENTIPEDES that would roam around my room (although, you think I would’ve figured it out because I live in a basement).

Anyway, the first time I came home and saw one of those little creeps hanging out in my bathroom I had a panic attack and spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to kill it. I was absolutely mortified. I texted a friend who quickly told me to “woman-up” and kill it and I did – but not without squealing like a little girl and shaking from the adrenaline afterward. So you can imagine the fear that came upon me when I was laying in bed the other night and saw another little creepy centipede lurking under my dresser.

It was about 1am before I finally decided I couldn’t stay awake anymore so I turned over to turn out the light and down on the floor was this skinny, long, hairy monster. I’d been dealing with spiders and centipedes all week and lost sight of a spider earlier that night so my emotions were drained from the fear and I decided I couldn’t kill it this time.

As I looked at this little thing, I got up, went and laid on the couch outside of my room, and just cried. I felt so defeated. I texted my mom telling her I wanted to come home, feeling like I was failing at the whole adult thing. I couldn’t even kill my own bugs without feeling like a scared little child. I was homesick, frustrated, and not ready to be an adult and there was a bug in my room making itself at home while I slept on the couch because I’m a baby. This was less about the bug and more about how unprepared I felt and how childish I thought I was. Why did I think I was mature enough to move away and take care of myself when I couldn’t even kill tiny bugs? I fell asleep praying, but I fell asleep feeling like a failure (and I dreamed about bugs).

And I woke up the next morning and decided to find it and take care of it myself. If I found a bug, I’d “woman-up” and kill it. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be afraid or paranoid. I wanted PEACE. So I sat on the edge of my bed and looked down and realized that the skinny, hairy thing hadn’t moved since the night before. I froze initially because I felt the fear creeping up my body again, but upon closer inspection, I realized it was a piece of string. Just a hairy, inch and a half piece of STRING.

I literally had a mental breakdown and slept on my couch because of a piece of STRING.

A funny as it is, I realized that’s exactly how Satan works. We see something that scares us, even a little bit, and he makes it seem inescapable or like we have run and hide from it to save ourselves. Think about it. How often have we let our insecurities stop us from doing something we want or love to do? Or even worse, let them stop us from doing something that God wants us to do? How often do we let comparisons stop us in our tracks when we could just be fearless and go after what we should?

We end up getting ourselves into fear, doubt, and unbelief about small, simple issues. God didn’t give us a spirit of fear for a reason. Fear, no matter where it comes from (scary movies, bad dreams, yourself, or even bugs), can be debilitating. Fear holds you back. It makes you lose out on things that would’ve been such a blessing. I was absolutely exhausted the next day because I spent the entire night worrying about a piece of string. If I had just given that silly, insignificant fear to Jesus, I’d be rested and happy.

So ask yourself, what’s your piece of string? What’s that little thing that seems so scary that’s holding you back from the goodness of what you COULD be experiencing? DON’T let fear rule you, ruin your sleep, or ruin your life. It’s just not worth it.

{I am not perfect. I have insecurities and flaws that stop me ALL THE TIME from doing things that would be so good for me and maybe even other people. But I so desire to be fearless and to use these flaws and experiences to learn and grow from. Allow yourself to be flawed. But be fearless.}

 

[Featured Image by Silvestri Matteo on Unsplash]

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